--MBFW Michael O'Neill
I'd like to share this letter which was originally written two years ago and modified last August 17th 2009. Now that I am out of options and out of aces and even frustration eats me alive and exhaustion envelopes my world, I won't give a damn because without a single doubt, I know in my heart, I am totally free.
Now my goals are straightened out. I can clearly see where I am heading. Time has shown me the best and the worst---- of people, of situations, and of incidents. There may be more of it, but what the heck, I can face them all. I have you in my heart and for me that's more than enough. You inspired me to gather myself together letting me realize that there's more to life than living within the realm of my past. I’m taking one step at a time to build trust again, to build our friendship where I had put smudges on. You once put distance to the friendship and to something that has been a work in progress and in turn, I don’t have a choice but to understand. I’ve blown as many chances most likely as one could ever imagine.
You admitted in an instance that you cared more than what a usual friend would do. And that coming straight from you, I am someone who's dear and special. How could I forget the moment you said those words as my heart leaped yet how could my heart accept too when you tried to push me away? I was puzzled and got mental glitches since I don’t know what steps to make and what approaches to take which is unusual since I had been so flexible with people and situations. I’m no blabber mouth but still I felt I said too much. You might have gotten sick of me or of love, that, I don’t have any thoughts on, no idea whatsoever. Till, I felt that everything was slowly slipping away. No options but to let it be. I don’t own you and I can’t even say that there is us nor was us. Then, there was silence.
Well, we had our own reasons of doing so. You are you and I am I. I was weak and I lost track of my values. I was so numb to understand your way of showing how much you care and I mistook your silence for indifference. I became dumb as I accept the blow by blow accounts of my selfishness to love and to life. These confessions maybe hard for you to accept, and it’s okay, I know in time, you'll understand.
You are, for the longest time now, have been the best realization of what can I do and what I am capable of. You’ve always believed in me. I had the so-called paradigm shift because of the thought of you. I have lingered too much on heartaches too and made everything hard for myself. I may not be a part of your plans and of your everyday journey for now, you may have dropped everything that we've started or even say that there is certainly nothing to start with, yet the hell I care, I am, and will always stay, as promised, without any second thoughts.
Setting expectations now and not meeting it in the long run will just result into shitty what ifs and what might have beens. Yes, I’m trembling now and you may not know how I’ve missed you. I don't know what lies ahead and what's in store for me, but in my best, I will make sure that everything I do will be a journey towards you. No rush, no buts, no tries, only sure steps with wiser values and infinite feelings of passion and perseverance.
I want to rediscover us. Until we meet again...
I really don't know if I blew the chance, the truth, that is right exactly in front of me-- destiny that is. It was too close, too close that I can't even hold it. A precious gift that I can't even afford.
Now, I'm down to absolutely
But still I am LUCKY,
dani
